No one is perfect all the time. Yet, some people, those who have ulterior motives are able to play the perfect person for long periods of time or in short bursts.
A Narcissist uses their charm, status, intellect, appearance, humor, feigned compassion and benevolence to convince people that he/she is an extraordinary person. The Narc’s consistent and persistent charm, etc. is seemingly a dream come true, thus people are drawn into the Narcissist’s web.
Narcs seek people who are empaths–i.e. a loving, caring, empathic person. Narcs immediately sense who is or isn’t their type. They determine quickly that you are a people-caring empath, who would surely provide ample attention and nurturing—i.e. – a nice person. The Narc draws you into their web with high expectations of you, which no human being could possibly fulfill.
One of the most frustrating and distressing aspects of being in a relationship with a narcissist is their covert mental and emotional abuse. However, in public, the Narc develops a persona of exemplary behavior thus, everyone thinks the Narc is wonderful and beyond reproach. They are such a great guy/gal. You are so lucky to find them.
Narcissistic verbal abuse creates emotional pain and mental anguish. It is a lie told to you or about you. Generally, verbal abuse defines people, telling them what they are, what they think, their motives, and so forth. The best way to deal with a verbally abusive relationship, whether you are the target of verbal abuse or the perpetrator, is to find out everything you can about verbally abusive relationships and the dynamics. Usually, one person is blaming, accusing, even name-calling, and the other is defending and explaining.
If you are in a long-term or marriage relationship after a while, you are nothing but a disappointment to the Narc and they grow tired of you. Long before the devalue phase, they were laying the groundwork for discarding you. You endured disappointment, betrayal, heartache, deceit, lies, verbal, emotional, physical and financial abuse, and exploitation. No matter your effort to reconcile this unacceptable behavior and boundary violations, the Narc accuses you of purposely starting a fight or are crazy for thinking they were inappropriate, disrespectful, abusive or violent. No one understands your situation because in public the Narcissist uses their charm, status, intellect, appearance, humor, feigned compassion and benevolence to convince people that they are an extraordinary person.
While the Narc has been busy smearing, devaluing you, etc., you have been diligently making everything seem like the perfect relationship and maybe making excuses for their behavior–if only for the sake of your pride. It is likely that you have had to repair many of their socially offensive behavior toward you as well. So how would anyone know that your partner is nasty, manipulative or conniving?
What takes its toll on you is that the Narc has brutalized you and taken you all the way down while they are still on top. It’s as if other people’s ignorance of the truth not only gives the Narc license to batter you, but reinforces their arrogance and their smug attitude that they took you down because they are superior. You are left to pick up the pieces of your life (which they shattered) and they seem to be living happily ever after.
People believe the Narc’s lies about you and no one seems to ‘get’ what actually was done to you. The Narc has gotten away with atrocities! This is the reason so many questions are asked regarding exposure and revenge!
My answer to ‘How can you expose a Narcissist’ is not going to be what anyone wants to hear, but I will tell you that YOU can not do it as effectively as they will eventually do it to themselves!
Familiarity USUALLY breeds contempt with a Narcissist. The closer, the more intimate, and the more time spent with the Narc, the more probability that their mask will slip. They will be as ferocious with the next person as they were with you. Anyone who has any longevity with a Narc will suffer and see for themselves what a difficult person the Narc really is. That is when others will reflect on what the Narc did against you. It will become crystal clear to them. The narc will self-destruct. They will burn through many relationships throughout their lives. They will do untold damage. Do not waste your time on them. Inevitably they self-destruct, by then, you won’t care!!!!
If you are still tempted to “expose” them, you can expect to be punished by the Narc. They are experts at manipulation and malevolence because they have had a lifetime of practice! Since you are a nice person, you are no match for the Narc. Worse still, is that they will make you look like the ‘crazy one’!
Much of what the Narc has done to you is psychological. It is not necessarily what they did but rather, their motivation for doing it! You can’t prove motive and intention. If you describe what they did and ‘why’ they did it, you ‘KNOW’ exactly the reason they did it and provide supporting details which is then perceived as over-reacting! For example: Your Narc missed the surprise birthday party your parents gave for you. You knew that they missed it on purpose to embarrass and hurt you…to make you feel worthless in front of your family, and so that they wouldn’t have to watch you get attention.
If you explain these situations (of which there are many) people begin to think you are overly sensitive, paranoid or letting your imagination run wild. You are spiraling out of control while the Narc calmly and with sincerity in their voice explains that their employer sent them out of town on a business trip which they were forced to go. The Narc then expresses their regret and remorse to others for having let you down and missed a chance to spend time with the family!
You can’t teach a Narc what they aren’t ready to learn. They have no incentive to hear the truth since it hasn’t impacted them–yet! The truth will reveal itself in time!
If you are in a relationship short or long-term it never gets better. If you stay there is only one prognosis—you need to grow thick skin and deaf ears or IF you have an ounce of self-respect, end the relationship as easily and quickly as possible.
The Verbally Abusive Relationship – How To Recognize It and How to Respond, Patricia Evans, is an excellent handbook of strategies to thwart the narcissist’s game plan. Evans identifies and defines fifteen (15) verbal abuse strategies and how to thwart them.
Unless the narcissist is willing to look into themself, they will not perceive their manipulative communication style or confront their own “beast in the jungle’. Their life will be a life spent, not in living, but in keeping their feelings at bay. Unless they actively seek personal change through the diligent work of Transformation and Healing on the unconscious, subconscious and cellular levels, they will, to some degree, have lived a non-life and have been to some degree, only an idea of themselves. This, then, is their own great personal tragedy.
Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, Ph.D., Transformation Hypnosis Practitioner, a motivational speaker, corporate trainer, and entrepreneur. Dr. Dorothy works worldwide using internet transmission platforms. She is co-author of the International Best Selling book, Conceived To Lead: Dismantling The Glass Ceiling Mindset