Have you ever wondered… “Why are we together?” “What is the hidden attraction?” “What is the reason we are in a relationship?” “Why do we irritate each other?” “Why can’t we just get along?” So many questions to ask and yet the answers seem illusive. The most challenging two questions are: “Why doesn’t he/she act like this or that?” “Why can’t I get through to him/her?” “If only she/he would___” Oh Happy Day. These questions are the big questions that are underneath all the other questions.
When we are emotionally attached to each other’s stories, we miss the big picture of the relationship and the deeper conversation with each other. We become focused on ‘trying and trying,’ which is very trying, to fix the other person(s). The focus of a relationship gets convoluted with the emotional attachment of the surface meaning instead of the deeper connection.
Joanna Field stated, “I feel we have picked each other from the crowd as fellow-travelers, for neither of us are the other’s personality – or the end-all and the be-all.” Indeed, we are here to learn from and teach one another.
The most important questions are: “What are the reasons we are together?” Whether it is a romantic relationship or not; there are reasons you are together. “What are we experiencing in the experience of this relationship?” “Is the relationship providing me with opportunities to see my Self in other perspectives, other ways?” “Did we draw each other into this relationship for the experience of learning how to have better relationships, a better understanding of ourselves as well as each other?”
The more clarity of the questions asked, the more clear answers you will receive about your Self. The traumas in the relationships are merely the reactions and the reactive behaviors that teach nothing except repetitive negative behaviors when the Rebellious or Adaptive Child state are caught up in their drama and Critical Parent judgments are in action. No learning can take place.
When both parties move into… “What can I learn from this and what can you learn from me?” is when the relationship can solidify and grow.
As we ask ourselves the clear ‘Whys,’ the clarity of the answers come to the surface and look straight into each other’s face. The relationships are more than learning experiences; they are giving everyone opportunities to experience the relationship as a volitional and dynamic whole:
- How am I emotionally attached to judgment is how I am judging my Self and others.
- How I am gossiping about the relationship is how I am gossiping about my Self.
- How I am treating others is how I am treating my Self.
- How I am experiencing the relationship is how I am experiencing my Self.
- How I talk about my relationship is how I am talking about my Self.
- How I am acting or re-acting in a relationship is how I am behaving.
Therefore, the more questions, I ask about my relationships, the more questions I am asking about my Self. “No person is an island.” Therefore, stop talking about your relationships in negative ways. You created the ‘us.’ No one is alone on an island unless you have a Belief System that what you are saying negatively about another is not being heard around the island.