How To Be Your Own Best Parent   

ByDorothy M. Neddermeyer Ph.D.

Few people grow up with perfect parents. Ironically, if parents were perfect and met a child’s every mental and emotional need it would be difficult to navigate in an imperfect world. It is the disappointments, the unknown, the longing and working to fill the gaps that make us become who we truly are.

It is the overbearing controlling parental beliefs and behavior that causes Mental/Emotional distress and harm.

All mental, emotional, and physical negative symptoms, behavior, and diagnosis are more accurately profound and necessary choices to survive childhood trauma experiences that are being triggered in current interactions, beliefs, thoughts, and feelings. 

Childhood distress/trauma is the result of anything that compels a child to feel helpless, hopeless, or disrupts their sense of safety and security, including sexual, physical, or verbal abuse; domestic violence; an unstable or unsafe environment; separation from a parent; neglect; bullying; serious illness; or intrusive medical procedures.

CHILDHOOD/ADULT DISTRESS/TRAUMA IS PERHAPS THE MOST AVOIDED, IGNORED, BELITTLED, DENIED, MISUNDERSTOOD, AND UNTREATED CAUSE OF HUMAN SUFFERING.

How To Be Your Own Best Parent:  

Avoid expecting yourself to do all of these after-the-fact parenting skills on day one.  Pick one and practice it until you notice you are automatically using one or two. Then pick another one until you notice it is automatic.  You might be able to work on one or two at a time. If you notice you are going back to a younger self pattern, Say to yourself. CANCEL CANCEL.  Then, plug in the belief, thought, behavior and feelings you know you are in your adult self.

  • Pat yourself on the back by saying encouraging words when you have an adult belief or thought or finish a task.
  • Accept and acknowledge your feelings. Example: I understand you feel, Angery, Fear and Sad. This too shall pass.
  • Set emotional boundaries: … If someone disrespects you, say in a Clear, Concise and firm speaking voice (NO yelling)….”STOP speaking to me that way.”  “Do not slap me on the buttocks.” “Do not touch me.”
  • Model respectful behavior: … Example: When you feel angry, express it in a positive way. “I am upset (angry) that you___” Use the energy from the emotion to take a necessary action. Learn to express your feelings in a timely manner so that they do not build up and get out of control.
  • Set reasonable expectations of yourself and have consistent boundaries: … Doing your laundry, keeping your living space clean. Living in your own home instead of living with your parents like a child. 18 is the age the majority of people emancipate themselves.
  • Keep a regular schedule for personal and professional activities: … 
  • Create routines and habits–such as going to the gym, swimming, basketball, reading, working on your own business–talk about business to people you meet, etc: …
  • Don’t neglect, scold or hurt yourself: … Example: Eat healthy food, use healthy products, Never say, You’re stupid. Why did you do that?  I can’t. I don’t know how. If you don’t know how, you can learn how. STOP all worry. 
  • Teach yourself what you value—Example:  pride in your appearance, pride in your communication, pride in your intelligence, pride in your work ethic, pride in your kindness, pride in your business. pride in your friendships.
  • Accept and acknowledge your feelings–Happiness, Anger, Fear and Sadness.

Take Care Of Yourself First

Taking care of yourself first isn’t being selfish. If you do not take care of yourself first, you will not have the resources you need to do the work of behaving as an adult. Notice that airplane travel instructions to use an oxygen mask in case the cabin loses air pressure, advises adults to put their mask on first and then assist a child to put a mask on.

THAT is the reason it is critical that you move into your own living space as soon as possible when you are 18 with a job or graduate from college and have a job. Your living space can be an apartment, shared living, or house.

Avoid spending time thinking about your controlling parents, or other controlling people.  Nurture your whole self. Take charge of your life, no one can stop you. YOU are the one who follows your controlling parents’ orders and you revert to being their child. You might then look for a partner who will be your controlling-parent substitute.

Example: Find healthy activities and hobbies. Read a book and fill your mind with something interesting. Learn something new every day.

  • Strengthen your support system: You cannot and do not have to do this alone. Surround yourself with positive supportive people who admire you and accept you for who you are. People who are going about their life will be a great way to find positive supportive people who admire you and accept you for who you are.

Self-parenting is extremely important in your growth and healing. It is important to become your own best friend.  Parents are not their children’s friends. Self-parenting is a little different in that you need to be both your own good parent and your own best friend. This is the true antidote to loneliness.

Being Your Own Best Parent Takes Practice

Avoid expecting yourself to do all of these on day one.  Pick one and practice it until you notice it is automatic. Then pick another one until you notice it is automatic.  You might be able to work on one or two at a time. If you notice you are going back to your  child-like pattern, Say to yourself. CANCEL CANCEL. CANCEL.  Then, plug in the belief, thought, behavior and feelings you know you are in your adult body. 

If you do not take care of yourself first, you will not have the resources you need to do the work of acting like an adult. THAT is is it is critical that you move into your own living space Don’t spend time thinking about your controlling parents.  Nurture your whole self. Take charge of your life, no one can stop you. YOU are the one who follows your parents’ orders and you revert to being a child again looking for a partner who will be your controlling-parent substitute.

Example: Find healthy activities and hobbies. Read books and articles to fill your mind with interesting perspectives. Learn something new every day.

  1. Accept and acknowledge your feelings and create emotional boundaries.
  2. Develop empowering behavior.
  3. Set reasonable expectations and have consistent boundaries. Keep your boundaries.
  4. Keep a regular schedule.
  5. Create routines and habits.
  6. Avoid allowing others to overwhelm you…Stop and listen to your Feelings–Anger, Sadness, Fear. And if someone stomping on your joy–if they won’t change, end the friendship. “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.” —Sigmund Freud
  7. Honor your feelings, because you have value.
  8. Strengthen your support system: You cannot and do not have to do this alone. Surround yourself with positive supportive people who admire you and accept you for who you are.
  9. Self-parenting is extremely important in your growth and healing. It is important to become your own best friend. Parents are not their children’s friends. This is the true antidote to loneliness.

“Experience reminds us that the world is not a nursery.”

To hide from feelings, pain, and rejection is to be perpetually stuck. Playing safe is seldom an option. However, the only way out is through. Frustration tolerance will increase when you practice the art of living life openly and honestly.

Published: April 10, 2023